Steps...!

I'm not prepared to define it as optimism, but I now have a feeling that I've taken a series of small steps in the right direction.

Some of you might giggle at the irony of the Sandoz label on my medication. It seems to be finally taking effect. Small elevations in my mood. Glimpses of another life. I have no idea how long I will be taking it, but I've been in contact with others who have had success with this compound. Predominently positive stories. I think I'm gaining a little confidence. I have also had my first visit to the local community mental health team. I know it will be difficult to deal with the forthcoming programme, but it IS another step...!

I am writing this after having a landmark weekend. The Cidfloss Corporation were contributing to the Painted Chariot event, here in North Wales, raising much-needed funds for the Red Cross Darfur Appeal. Just attending the event was a difficult prospect for me, and playing some music was a major challenge. I am delighted that it all went well, and the sounds proved to be extremely therapeutic!

I am in debt to Dwarfy & Hedges for their support, and I'm very thankful to all the other musicians/DJs who played, and all the wonderful folks who worked hard to make the party a success. I eagerly anticipate the next one! That's a very important step, as I'm still taking one day at a time. For the first time in quite a while, I'm enjoying having something to look forward to!

PLUR

Ups 'n' Downs...

As I've mentioned here before, I am gradually coming to grips with my ups 'n' downs.
Recent events have certainly gone a long way to helping me understand my own mind, and some stark truths have surfaced.
After conversations with some of the most important and influential human beings in my life, and a lot of introspection, I've come to admit that I've been struggling with depression for , as far as I can determine, some twenty years!
I've always put it down to the symptoms of being truly awake, in current times, and was too quick to blame external sources for my periodic misery. It seems that I have never considered a clinical condition to be at the heart of this problem, or at the very least, to be a major contributor to it.
I recall one particular clue. A distant memory. An incident that occured in the mid-80's, only to be retrieved in recent days. I won't (can't) bore you with the details of it, but it was a brief outpouring of emotion that shocked my parents at the time. I'm sure they could not recall it now without prompting.
I had shown fear for the future.
I remember it with chilling detail. The setting, the frustration, anger, and despair in my words. The expression on my mother's face.
So, a quarter of a century later, I finally understand the message contained it that, and countless other clues. I am now seeking appropriate help.
I can't see too far ahead as yet, but this process has just started, so I'll cling to a vague hope, as HST would have said, that someone (or someTHING) is tending the light at the end of the tunnel.
At least, now, I'm walking in the right direction.



"Sweet are the thoughts that savour of content. The quiet mind is richer than a crown."