Another week elapses, and I'm still here!
It seems that everyone here in Llanberis is down with the cold. As I wander down the high street, I'm met with a barrage of sneezes! Think I've kind of had this wee bug already. Several days of anticipation followed by 48 hours of fever, and nasal drama! Then.... gone!
Apart from that, I've been sucking the last life out of some wonderful weather! Wall to wall blue skies, and the opportunity to top up that Vit D again. Makes me so glad to live here, and not in the city. The Allt Wen woods (or the "Broccoli" as it's known in certain circles!) is transforming into an explosion of colour. I love the Autumn, and in the early evening sunlight, this is paradise!
It's a case of making the most of it, before the winter sets in. I admit to not relishing that! There's some hard work ahead, and I think, a lot of time to be spent in contemplation.


PLUR.

Normali......................tea?

Beginning to get used to this health business. It really is strange to be free of pharmaceutical influences: oddly light; no headaches; no more dizziness. How did I put up with all that stuff for so long? I won't go into any detail on the other side-effects...!
Anyway, it's even more strange to be doing all the stuff that I just have'nt had any motivation to do, over the last few years. I'm digging into my CD collection again, riding my bike, and even tickling ions in the sky.....! And the clarity of thought.........!
I've been back in the studio too! My current projects are taking new directions though. Much more of an ambient/experimental vibe, even in the dub. Meditation's much stronger suddenly too!
So.......... kettles boiling, and I'll be satisfying my new-found taste for organic green tea.......!


PLUR.

My "illness" of the last few years has finally come clean. It has made itself truly known. "It" has deceived me all along. It disguised itself as "the unkindness of others", as "the consequences of substance-abuse", as "a natural chemical imbalance", and simply as "a cruel world"!

I am thankful, now, for it all! I sit here, un-medicated, symptom-free, and with an, admittedly odd, half-smile!
I get it now! I understand! I know how it works!
Of course, I still have to deal with the regrets. I lost some great friends during this time. I made some unfair assumptions. I had unreasonable expectations. I managed to get myself ostracized from a "community" that I love. I failed to make myself understood. In fact, I failed in so many ways, as a Human Being! I need to apologise to so many people......!
So, the half-smile, eh?
Well, it took some 2,600 year-old lessons in psychology, and some long-forgotten knowledge to help me through. I,ve finally removed all the government-sanctioned poison from my system too. That was the hardest part of my recovery. Prescription drugs, and anti-depressants in particular served as a brief tool (a few weeks at best!) to fight my problems, but proved in the end to be worse, in many ways, than the condition they were sent to treat! Over 2 years of this "medication", and now I'm free of it! No more horrific side-effects! No more dependance! Never again!

Back soon...... honest, gov! ;)



PLUR.

?

At last (?), I feel ready to add to my blog, after so much time has passed, and so much has happened.
Since I was last 'here', events have taken place that have shaken me to the very core!
In April of this year, my father-in-law, and very dear friend, David, passed away. He had been battling with cancer for several years, and died in Antrim Area Hospital early in the month. I was at his bedside, with his immediate family, at the time of his passing. A truly devastating moment.
At this point, I must say that my subsequent grief has been predominently concerned with that of my wife and best friend, "DL". To see her suffer in this way has been immensely difficult for me. In fact, to witness the reactions of all the family to this loss has threatened me in a number of ways. My loss, has been easily dealt with. Now, I know that might sound a little heartless, but I have had the benefit of a few years of rigid contemplation on the nature of physical death, and my subsequent understanding has helped me greatly in getting through the last 6 months without 'relapse'..........!
I have, of course, shed more than a few tears. The FACT, however, that the energy that was David has simply taken on a new from, has given me succour. My greatest difficulty has been making this fact obvious to those closest to me, amid the horror of their loss. When we visit Northern Ireland to spend time with family, I rarely go to the grave. Others do so religiously, and I struggle to understand why. A shrine to physical remains seems to make no sense to me. David is, of course, "everywhere" now... I "see" him in every flower, every cloud, every footstep that I take, and I can smile with each of these encounters. I gaze into DL's eyes sometimes, and feel guilty....
The feelings of loss that DL still clings to are still destructive now. They prevent her from enjoying her life whenever they can. This suffering is now my great enemy.
Time has had its effect, and the nature of her grief is slowly changing. You don't ever fully get over a loss like her's. You just adapt to it. I only wish I could do more to help...

The months after David's death coincided with my withdrawal from Venlafaxine. This has made 2009 the most difficult year I've yet to experience (out of 43, so there MAY be more to come!).
The time came when I had to put all that I've learned into practice.